... fumbles for the light switch....

Wow.  Look at this place.  The dust and cobwebs!  I guess it doesn't take long,  Then again, it's been 5 years since I've been here...

What's bringing me back now?  I can HEAR that question being asked, and that's ok.  I haven't had much to say; but life changes, and then it changes again. 

I came here to use this dusty old blog as an outlet of sorts I guess. 

I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm embarrassed by it.  But, that pain is worsening and really affecting my quality of life. 

This pain I'm talking about I've had for more than 20 years.  I've been through multiple doctors and specialists up and down Toronto Western and Mount Sinai hospitals for years.  One surgery, many experimental procedures, and still it worsens and they have no idea why.

 

The pain I'm talking about is a pain that is behind my left testicle.  It feels like I've been kicked between the legs.  These pain episodes can last for 30 seconds or many hours.  I never know when, what level of pain, or how long.  These last 2 weeks it's more times with that pain, than without.  Some days I can't even walk properly.  Sometimes the pain is at about 3 out of 10, other times it can be at an 8 or a 9.  I never know.

The doctors tell me 25% of men have this 'condition'.  I said "Bullshit.  If guys in my circle of family and friends have this, I'd probably be able to pick up on it.  If a guy is walking around like 'Frankenstein's Monster' and he's wincing in pain; you tend to notice." 

That's how I've had to tell my friends and family.  They see my hobbling along and ask, so I tell them.  It hasn't been easy to talk about.  I was raised that you don't talk about 'those kinds of things'.  So I haven't.   But now, as the pain increases, it's kinda hard to avoid addressing it to friends and neighbours.

It's starting to really slow me down. 

I was at the doctor today. Trying again for something, anything for relief.  I've tried pills like Oxycontin and Percocet, even booze.  Doesn't touch the pain, just makes me feel sick.  Currently, I'm dabbling in marijuana.  Not my first choice; but I do get some help.  If I have something like a marijuana cookie for example, I still feel the pain if I stop and think about it.  The thing with the marijuana is that, in my limited experience, it keeps me completed distracted. Oh, look at the garden, it's looks so great!  Oh, look at that tree, that looks cool the way the branches intertwine!  Hey, that cloud formation looks like Sigourney Weaver pumping gas!  And so on...  Marijuana is not the answer.  But I'm honest with my doctor when telling him it helps by way of distraction.  Usually just at night, as I've got to function throughout the day.  And you know me, just like drinking, I'm responsible enough not to drive, or care for children when 'under the influence'.  I'll always be responsible about it.  This is just for me when I'm home and need the distraction from the pain.

The distraction helps, so I dabble.  

If my father was alive today, that's the first thing I'd talk to him about; dealing with chronic pain.  He had lots of pain from multiple cancers in his final years.  Oxycontin and Percocet were his meds of choice.  He left me his 'stash' when he passed.  So I've tried those meds and they don't touch the pain.  Nothing does, but at least I found something that can distract me from thinking about the pain.  

My current doctor says there's a doctor in Hamilton that will have a look ... 12 and a half months from now. 

These last 2 weeks probably been the most constant physical pain I've been in.  Sure, I've had pain before, but it passes.  This bitch is hanging on and getting worse.  12 and a half months just to see someone?  $%#^&

I found the doctor in Hamilton's email and wrote, begging for him to see me sooner.  No response yet; but fingers crossed, that's for sure. 

I want to make couple things clear.  Not to be rude, but I don't want sympathy.  This is so hard to talk about, I'd rather people ignore it when they see me.  Some of my close friends and a couple of family members know.  I'll talk about it if a have to. 

I am not suicidal.  Pain can make people do or say stupid things; but taking my life is not an option.  I would never do that to my wife or my friends and their children.  I've always done my best to lead by example, so ending my own life prematurely is not happening.  

Well, that's that.  Maybe it feels a little better writing this out?  Just trying to let my friends know I'm kinda going through something that not easy to talk about.

Fingers crossed I get answers, soon.